I wish I could say it was easier for me to deal with or that I was stronger. But I’m not. We have been so blessed to come back and spend a few days with family while I have been doing a couple weddings. We recognize this blessing and have sat in the A.C. and drove on smooth roads and just thanked God for these things. But here is the truth: I choked back tears at most of my weddings because I sat there just mesmerized by the carefreeness of life when in my head I remembered visiting a mom just the week before that lost her child because she couldn’t feed him. I walked into a friend’s house and felt my mind going back to a time when we had that. When we had a “normal” life and a house that was ours…and our bed. I miss our bed. I love love love our life in Haiti and have never feel more reassured about our being there but at the same time my soul is weary right now. I don’t understand it all, I don’t know the answers, I don’t know the future. I ache for some of the things we gave up, relationships that are different, how we can’t be there like we want to for people, the childhood things Lena will never experience. All I can say is that His love never fails. And that is the truth I rest on right now.
This time being here and leaving is harder. We are leaving not knowing when we will be back to the U.S. It feels more permanent this time around. I miss Haiti, my home, and can’t wait to be back on the bumpy roads with the amazing people. But right now, at this moment, my soul is weary.
So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.